Letters to a Fallen Hero
by Saxophones
Summary: "Dear Kendall,  The stupid grief counselor is making us write these..."
1. Yours Always, Jo Knight

**I have too many stories I'm working on right now, but I couldn't write until I got this out of my head.  
**

* * *

Dear Kendall,

The grief counselor Gustavo hired is forcing us to write these. I think it's a good idea, but the guys are all pretending it's stupid. But we both know that their letters will probably be full of heartrending stuff that they need to confess. It's just the type of thing you'd do if you were here. But if you were here, we wouldn't be doing this, would we?

The guys are really upset. I haven't seen a helmet, luck comb, or AP Calculus book since it happened, and we both know that that is unheard of.

I miss you so much, Kendall. I'm proud of you, though. I was always scared that you'd run off and join the army and die in the line of duty, but I never dreamed that you would die a hero on our home soil. I still think that what you did took more courage than that would have.

I was going to tell you that afternoon, but I never got a chance. I'm pregnant, Kendall. We were going to have a baby. That's why I told you to take the day off. I never imagined you'd die before our picnic at two. I also never imagined that you'd die at 21, twenty minutes before you were going to find out you were a dad. I know that, if you were reading this, you would be feeling really guilty right now. But don't worry, Kendall, the baby will have a dad. The baby will have three dads. You know Carlos, Logan, and James would never let me raise your child alone. Especially James, after what happened.

The guys are trying to take care of Katie the way they know that you would want them to, but it's not easy. She can't sleep without her big brother singing to her. Your mom told me that if it goes on one more day she's taking her to the doctor for insomnia medication. I know this might seem stupid, but if you're somehow reading this, help her. She needs it.

I'm worried for the guys, Kendall. You died the day before the annual day of pranks, as I'm sure you know, and that probably will never happen again. Katie has tried to declare, as co ruler, that it be renamed Kendall's day of pranks and continue, but the guys are too shell shocked to think of it. Maybe in a few years.

Yours Forever,

Jo Knight (as I will be always)

P.S. I'm naming the baby Kendall, boy or girl. The baby won't be a replacement, but I need a Kendall in my life.


	2. Still your best friend, Logan

Dear Kendall,

I can't believe that you are gone. I can't believe that you did what you did. And I especially can't believe that you had such bad timing. You'd only been married four months – it was going to be your first child! All those times that you told me you couldn't wait to have your first child, and you were twenty minutes short of finding out that you were going to. I can't believe a lot of stuff right now.

Speaking of the baby, I was going to get Jo to name her Kendall Kristina Knight, if it's a girl, since you always said you'd name your first daughter Kristina, but then I realized. Bad initials.

I'll take care of Katie and little Kendall for you. We all will, but I thought that you would like to know that someone will teach your child not to do totally reckless things, slap people, be extremely conceited, or cheat at poker, as they will probably be taught by some of our other friends. And I promise that they will grow up in hockey skates.

I'm doing my best with your sister – we all are. But she seems to have joined you and James in the ranks of insomniacs. And I'm sure you know how unpleasant that is.

Why did you do it Kendall? Do you know how guilty James would feel? How heartbroken your wife is? You know James would never have expected you to do that. No one would've blamed you.

I know why you did it. I understand. But you do have a family, unlike James, and you didn't need to Kendall.

I really don't know what I think, Kendall. I'm so confused about everything. Don't think I blame you. I just need to work things out.

Still your best friend,

Logan

P.S. Jo is carrying a picture of you at my wedding. You're still best man.


	3. With a slap, Camille

**Just writing this made me want to slap Camille. But I could see her reacting this way if her friends were hurt. All will be explained in the next chapter, I think.  
**

* * *

Dear Kendall,

If you weren't dead, I would kill you right now. Or at least slap you. Do you know how many people you hurt?

Yeah, people would've been sad if it was James. But your family, your wife, Big Time Rush, your friends – they love James, but they rely on you. You're their fearless leader. I thought you would realize that.

My fiancée is so confused that he can't say two sentences without deciding he's wrong.

Your sister, the girl I thought you would do anything for, hasn't slept in weeks.

Your mom doesn't seem to know whether to be proud or upset. You were her pride and joy.

Carlos isn't Carlos.

James blames himself, as you didn't seem to think about before you did what you did.

And you know Gustavo and Kelly? They can barely think. Gustavo is debating retirement according to Kelly, and you know what that would mean to James, who was hoping for a solo contract when Big Time Rush decided to only go for another year last month.

And Jo? Remember her? Your wife? My best friend? The one you apparently forgot about when you foolishly got yourself killed? She's now pregnant to a baby who will never have a father.

This may seem foolish, me blaming you for all of this, but a lot of people relied on you, Kendall. Why couldn't you remember that?

With a slap,

Camille

P.S. This may seem harsh. That's because it is.

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**Please review. I have the next chapter finished and will post it when I get to 7 reviews. So five more, people, five more!**


	4. Missing You, Katie

Dear Kendall,

I know that you did the right thing. I hope you know that. Camille may be angry, but she did care about you. You were her fiancée's best friend, and Logan is crushed. She shouldn't blame you – if James had been the dead one, she'd be just as hurt.

I'm proud of you, Kendall. And I'm sorry that some stupid idiot had to hold up a store and pull a gun on James. I'm sorry that the idiot fired the gun. But I'm not sorry that you took the bullet for him, Kendall. I'm sorry that you're dead, but I understand that if you had stood by and watched him die, instead of telling the men to take you as a hostage instead, you would never be able to live with yourself. I never would've expected you to do anything less than protect your friends. I love you and I am so proud of you.

I'm watching the guys write their letters across the room, and I know that they're probably telling you I've been having some sleeping troubles recently. I feel bad that at fifteen I need my brother to help me fall asleep, but you know that I've never been able to sleep when I was upset if you weren't there. Remember when I was 7 and tried to have a sleepover at Kari's while you were at the guys? I remember how you left James's house at 2 AM and met me outside her house to sing me to sleep before going back to your party. I felt humiliated, but I was so glad that I had a big brother like you.

I still am.

The prosecutor told us that the shooters are getting life in prison, no parole, at least, and the one who pulled the trigger might get the death penalty. Honestly, I hope he does. I know that that's probably wrong, but he took my big brother from me. I think I have the right to want him dead. I thought you would want to know that. I really hope that wherever you are, you find out.

I love you, Kendall.

Missing You,

Katie

P.S. Expect more letters, big brother.


	5. Trying to think of Kittens, Carlos

**You know, I have this thing on my profile called a poll, which could ensure that my next story is something that you like... but only if you vote! **

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Dear Kendall,

Hey buddy. The counselor said that he didn't think you could read this, but I'm just going to think that you can. Think happy thoughts about kittens, right?

I was so naïve then. I was the only one of the four of us who hadn't had anything absolutely terrible happen to them. And I'm really glad I waited this long, because you dying is definitely pretty horrific. But don't feel bad – it had to happen someday, right?

I miss you, Kendall. We need you more than ever – we've never been good at dealing with bad things without pep talks. And ironically, if you were here to give the pep talks we wouldn't need them. It's the same with Katie. She needs you to sing to her if she's upset, yet she wouldn't be upset if you weren't here.

I'm gluing an article from the newspaper into this. It was on the front page. In case you get this but somehow can't get the Los Angeles Gazette, I thought you would be interested.

**

* * *

Local Celebrity Killed in Hostage Situation; Gives Life for Fellow Band Member**

Kendall Knight, 21, famous for his leadership of singing group Big Time Rush, scheduled to disband in eleven months, was shopping with friends at Savemart when a group of armed men entered and forced the owner to lock the doors and hand over the money in the cash register. By this time police had arrived at the scene. The gunmen grabbed a hostage and, using signs through the window, informed police that he would be killed if they did not leave the scene in an hour. This hostage was James Diamond, a fellow band member and close friend of Mr. Knight.

Mr. Knight requested that the gunmen take him as a hostage rather than Mr. Diamond. The gunmen complied. At approximately 59 minutes into the hour given, police showed no sign of backing down, and the gunmen asked Mr. Knight if he would like to switch places with Mr. Diamond again. According to a witness, he did not pause before replying no. Police asked the gunmen to back down one last time, they declined and shot Mr. Knight in the head about thirty seconds later.

According to a witness, the men asked Mr. Knight if he had any last words before he was shot, and he replied, speaking to Mr. Diamond, "Tell my family and the guys that I love them. Don't feel guilty. Tell Katie that I know she'll grow up to be an amazing person, and make sure the guys live their dreams. Let Jo know that I'm sorry."

We assume that he was referring to his band, Big Time Rush, when he spoke of "the guys", his younger sister, Katie Knight, 15, and his wife, Jo Taylor Knight, who has announced that she is expecting a child.

Mr. Knight has been hailed as a hero nationwide, and mentions have been made of a possible hockey scholarship in his name at the University of Minnesota, which he was scheduled to attend after the disbandment of his band. The funeral will be held on Monday.

* * *

You are amazing, Kendall, and I will miss you so much. I have a tape of one of your pep talks that you gave before one of our peewee hockey games (thank you parents who tape everything), and I've watched it about a million times, sometimes with Katie, sometimes with the guys, sometimes with Jo or your mom. I will always remember you, Kendall.

Trying to think of Kittens,

Carlos


	6. Love, Mom

**This is insanely short and definitely not half as interesting as the rest of the story, but I didn't think I could write this without including Mrs. Knight. **

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Dear Kendall,

I am so proud of you baby. Of course, mixed in with the pride is confusion and anger at the shooters and just plain sadness. Lots of sadness.

I've always been proud of you - your nine years as hockey captain, when you made Gustavo form Big Time Rush, your wedding day. But doing what you did confirmed what I already knew – that you were my amazing, brave, loving son who would do anything to protect those he loves.

I miss you, Kendall. And Katie and the boys do too. I'm really worried about them. Katie can't sleep, James blames himself, Carlos has matured five years in 4 days, and Logan doubts everything he says and seems to feel responsible for everyone else on top of it. They're hurting.

Like I said though, I am sad. Sad that you'll never get to meet your child, sad that you never made it to the University of Minnesota. Sad that I'm never going to get to see you walk Katie down the aisle in a decade or so like you always promised you would.

If you know anything, Kendall, know this – I'm proud of you.

Love,

Mom

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**Review! Tell me what's good. Tell me what's bad. Tell me what you want to explode with an atomic bomb. And don't stop reading - James's chapter is next.**

**Also, I have this thing on my profile called a poll. You should definitely look at it.  
**


	7. Sadly, James

**This is shorter than I wanted it to be, but if it was any longer it would have been cheesy. The next chapter isn't a letter, and it will be much longer, believe me. Thanks for all the reviews, and please keep them coming! I also have a poll on my profile, but you've probably read that seven times by now.**

**I don't own Big Time Rush, but I wish I did.  
**

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Dear Kendall,

I'm sorry.

I am so, so sorry.

I shouldn't have let you. I should have told them no, that I could take it, to let you go, shoot me instead. They gave me the option.

But I was scared, and you weren't, and I was just glad that there wasn't a gun against my skull. Only at the last second did I remember that you have a wife, a sister, a mom, and, though I didn't know it then, a baby to take care of. I didn't stop to think that the only person who I have to take care of is the deadbeat I call a father back in Minnesota, and he seems to be okay with a portion of my paycheck every month. I didn't think Kendall, and I wish I had.

I'm really sorry that I disobeyed your last words. But I can't not feel guilty. You should know that. You'd feel guilty if you'd let me take the bullet, I know. And I'm kind of mad at you for asking me not to. Because of my cowardice and your save-the-world complex, a baby will grow up without a father. And I didn't stop you.

I should've stopped you.

Don't worry, Kendall. I'll be a dad to this kid. If I need to I'll give him everything I've got, because it's the least I could do.

I hope you know that everyone loves you and misses you.

Sadly,

James

P.S. Given time to think, I would have taken the bullet.


	8. The Funeral

James and Logan stood facing each other, tying each other's ties the way that they had since childhood.

"Looks nice." James commented in an attempt to lighten the mood.

Logan nodded. "You too."

Carlos and Katie both sat dejectedly on the couch, and as Logan looked at them he mentally slapped himself for being so forgetful. The boys had always had a system. Logan and James would tie each other's ties, while Kendall tied Carlos's. Then James would tie Kendall's, as Carlos had never quite figured the whole tie thing out. Logan wanted to help them, yet didn't want to. It would seem like he was taking Kendall's place.

Katie took care of it for him, pulling Carlos up and beginning to tie the tie, as James remembered how they had always ended this tradition – Kendall tying the bow on Katie's dress. He checked – the ribbons hung down dejectedly. He stepped behind her, tying the bow on the black dress Kendall had always said looked cute on her (though this was probably said because it didn't show much skin).

She turned and almost fell into his arms, sobbing.

The other boys gathered around them, tears streaming down their cheeks. You could hear the sound of a door being quietly opened, and Jo and Camille became tangled into the hug.

This continued for about five minutes before Jo stepped out from the arms of her friends. "We have to do this, guys. For him."

They nodded their assent and filed out the door, meeting Mrs. Knight in the limo on loan from Rocque Records.

* * *

The pastor became to speak in a deep voice. "We are here to mourn the death of Kendall Knight…"

A tear slipped down Jo's cheek. Camille and Mrs. Knight squeezed her hands, but the entire front row, Carlos, James, and Logan included, was soon crying.

"And now for the eulogies." He read from a card. "Katie?"

Katie nodded and walked up to the microphone.

"Okay, I'm Katie. Kendall was my brother." She felt stupid saying this in a room where next to everyone probably already knew it.

"Summing up my brother's life in a few words would be impossible, so instead, my mom's asked everyone to share a memory. My brother was amazing. He did so much. It was hard to choose just one memory, but I think this one sums up a lot of Kendall." She began to cry, and James's heart constricted. It was his fault….

"When I was eight, I never went to sleep without my brother singing to me. Once I thought I could do it, so I decide to sleep over at my friend Kari's house, while my brother and the rest of the guys slept over at James's." She looked out and saw Kari in the audience. Kari gave her a small, pained smile. She always had been Katie's best friend; of course she would be here today. "By one A.M., I knew that I wasn't going to fall asleep, and Kari's entire family had been asleep for hours. So I borrowed my friend's phone and called Kendall's cellphone. I expected a lullaby over the phone, but instead he ran the whole way to Kari's house, just to sing to me. My brother was an amazing, kindhearted person who would do anything to help his family or friends.

Thank you." She said as she wiped a tear from her eye and fled the stage.

The pastor stood and wiped a tear from his own eye. "Mrs. Knight?"

She rose shakily. "I have a memory of my own to share. Katie doesn't remember this, thank God, but when she was two and Kendall was eight their dad became depressed. Having a screaming two year old in the house didn't help things, and I was on the verge of kicking him out when one day, he just went crazy. He was diagnosed later with all sorts of mental problems. But that day, he walked toward Katie where Kendall was playing with her, and as he went to hit her, Kendall dove in front of her and took the punch. He screamed at me to call 911 while he protected his sister.

By the time the police arrived, I had a broken arm and Kendall was so severely injured that he was in the hospital for two weeks. But Katie didn't have a scratch on her. He had shielded her with his own body. I think that shows how much my son loved his family and friends."

Logan was next. "When I met Kendall, I was the scrawny nerd everybody picked on, and he was the popular guy everyone wants to be. He seemed to think that it was a huge injustice, and from the day he met, he beat up anyone who picked on me. Maybe not the best way to handle things, but to a first grader, it was awesome."

Then Jo. "When Kendall and I began to date, we were both very busy. I had New Town High, he had Big Time Rush, and our schedules always seemed to conflict. So he came up with the idea of one minute dates. We'd eat quickly, toss a Frisbee once or twice, and end it with a kiss. The day he proposed he had convinced my driver to tell me it would be a one minute date when in reality, we both had the rest of the day off.

When he threw me the Frisbee, it flew oddly, so I looked at it. Attached to the center was a diamond ring, and when I looked back at him, he was on one knee, holding up the sign my driver normally used to end our date, which, instead of saying 'twenty seconds' or 'time to go,' said 'will you marry me?' How could I not say yes?"

James approached the platform next, determined to say nothing about how Kendall had died, though everyone there surely knew. "Everyone here knows that Kendall was a brave, sacrificial person. So I won't tell you about how he died or what I think about it. Instead, I'm going to share a memory from when Kendall and I were eight.

Many people don't know this, but when I was eight, I was diagnosed with alopecia, a disease that makes your hair fall out randomly. I had a major flare up, something that fortunately has not happened since. Kendall was so horrified by how upset I was that he not only shaved his own head, but convinced every guy in our school, from kindergarten to fifth graders, and some of the girls, to shave their heads. It was classic Kendall." He began to cry and returned to his seat. Though he had planned to say more, he couldn't.

And finally it was Carlos's turn, only Camille left to speak.

"Kendall wasn't always busy being a superhero. The night before he got engaged, we all went camping. He had told us what he was planning, so we expected a serious night, full of discussions, maybe even tears at losing one of our own to the scary beast called marriage." He chuckled softly. "Instead, we made smores, played hide and go seek, and told scary stories all night. Kendall was very good at acting like an adult and a little kid all at the same time."

Camille stood to deliver the final eulogy. "When I met Kendall, I didn't walk up and introduce myself. I didn't wave. I didn't even wait to be approached. Instead, I was practicing for an audition, so I stormed up and slapped him. Most guys would never go near me after something like that, but Kendall not only didn't hate me, but he became one of my best friends. He was really, really good with second chances."

As she returned to her seat on the pew, the pastor gave a signal to James, Logan, and Carlos. James began to speak. "We wanted to sing something for Kendall, but didn't want to sing a Big Time Rush song without him. So, since Green Day always was one of his favorite bands, we chose this instead." He then began to sing, quickly joined by Logan and Carlos.

_Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road  
Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go  
So make the best of this test, and don't ask why  
It's not a question, but a lesson learned in time_

_It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.  
I hope you had the time of your life._

_So take the photographs, and still frames in your mind  
Hang it on a shelf in good health and good time  
Tattoos of memories and dead skin on trial  
For what it's worth it was worth all the while_

_It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.  
I hope you had the time of your life._

_It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.  
I hope you had the time of your life._

_It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.  
I hope you had the time of your life._

The music turned off, and James sang softly. "_I hope you had the time of your life_."

* * *

The pastor dismissed the mourners, who filed to the nearby grave site.

As each mourner stopped at a basket of multi-colored roses, with the meaning of each rose on a card in front, the boys stopped and pondered.

For James, the decision was easy. A pink rose, which the card had informed him meant "thank you," in his hand, he stepped back and waited for Carlos and Logan to make their decisions.

Carlos, who had stopped reading as soon as he read friendship, a yellow and red rose grasped in his hand, stood beside him, now waiting for only Logan.

Logan read the card over and over, his eyes finally falling on the one he would choose. Red – for a "job well done" and courage and respect. In other words, red for Kendall.

Side by side, they laid their roses on the top of the casket, and as dirt was shoveled over the top, each whispered quietly "Bye, Kendall."

As they approached the bundle of green balloons, each boy pulled an envelope out of his pocket, a hole already punched in the corner. James handed Katie hers and watched as she chose a balloon and carefully tied the letter to the corner, and waited for everyone else to do the same.

They prepared to release them when Katie cried out "Wait!" She dug something out of her purse and slipped it over her balloon – a gray beanie. A tear slipped down her cheek as she nodded. "I'm ready now."

They released their balloons, staring into the sky as they drifted away. Jo blew hers a kiss."Love you, Kendall."

And you could almost swear that you heard a whisper back.

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**I was going to end it here, but I think I'll do an epilogue. I'm not ready to let go of it quite yet. If you have an epilogue idea, I think I know what I'll do, but tell me anyway. Please review, I honestly am not sure if this chapter was good at all. **

**By the way, I sadly don't own Big Time Rush or the song _Time of Your Life _by Green Day.  
**


	9. Love, Kendall

**twihard77 hit the nail on the head with their "write a letter from Kendall's pov" idea, which was my original plan. I thought people might find it stupid, but apparently not, so here goes.**

**However, there are going to be two epilogues. I couldn't resist showing Kendall's kid, so if I'm on your alert list, keep me on for one more chapter. This story is really hard to let go of (But I'm sure that as soon as I do, my Geometry grade will go up substantially).**

Dear Guys,

I love you all so much and feel so bad for hurting you. But if I had seen any other way to do it, I would have. And it's way too late for what ifs. This is a better place anyway.

Logan, I hope you know that you don't have to do everything now. Of course, how many times did you tell me that, and how many times did I ignore you? I probably deserve to be ignored by now. But I appreciate that, as you said, my child will grow up knowing that it's wrong to slap people, that conceitedness is not a good idea, that crazy stunts are fun, but dangerous, and that education is important. And of course you have to teach them hockey. That was never debatable.

James, I knew that you would feel guilty. But honestly, I'd rather you be feeling guilty than feeling dead. I hope you know that I understand and that I'm still glad that I did what I did. And don't feel burdened to my family – you don't owe them a lifelong debt or anything.

Carlos, stay innocent. Please. That's all I can ask of you.

Katie, I love you so, so much. I hope that you grow up and get married and have a happy life, and can tell your children about "Uncle Kendall" who never met them but loves them anyway. Don't waste years mourning me (though missing me is perfectly acceptable).

Jo. I hope you know that I'm sorry. I hope Camille knows too, since she's apparently so mad at me. I'm sorry that you have to go through this, but I'm ecstatic about the baby on the way. I wish I could teach her to play hockey and watch Logan tutor her after school. I wish that I could teach her the proper way to slide down a swirly slide or how to tease James as he talks to his reflection. But I can't. The guys can, though. Please let them. I love you, sweetie.

Mom, thanks for everything. You did perfectly.

Love,

Kendall

P.S. I don't think you'll get this. But that's what you said about your letters, isn't it?


	10. Epilogue

**So it's done. Finally done, and I can go back to my other two multichapters whose readers are about to kill me because I haven't updated since I started this story two weeks ago. Yet I really don't want to let go of it. It's my first complete multichapter. I suggest you read my other two, which I will begin to update regularly, because they are quite epic, if I do say so myself.**

**I need to thank these reviewers: mIsS-vIcToRy96, Jeremy Shane, Zeoness, Chuck Norris Worshipper, BigtimeBitch, rosalindathevamp, PurpleRain98, and BTR-aholic.**

**Sadly, I don't, nor have I ever, owned by Big Time Rush.**

"Logan, you don't have to do this, you know." Jo sighed. "I can take her to school on my way to work."

Logan smiled and picked up the five year old. "I don't have to, but it's somebody's first day of kindergarten and she deserves to be walked to class. And like you said, you have work."

The child piped up. "Thanks Uncle Logie!"

Logan smiled, used to the fond nickname. "No problem sweetie. But we better hurry, cause school starts soon and Uncle James and Uncle Carlos are waiting in the car."

Just as he said this a car horn beeped from the direction of the driveway, and Logan grinned at James's trademark impatience. With the kindergartener clinging onto one shoulder and a pink backpack on the other, he made his way out to the old BTR mobile that the boys still shared. He settled in the front, his customary place, as Carlos buckled the child into her carseat, which had been placed in the spot once reserved for her father. She swung her legs, loving the way the wind blew through her hair in the convertible she spent so much time in.

The drive passed by without much discussion; at the school, all four people got out of the car and walked in, James now carrying the child and Carlos the princess backpack, while Logan strode ahead confidently, the only one who had thought to check a map to see which classroom they were going to.

When they arrived, the teacher looked shocked to see three guys and one small girl at her door. Logan quickly explained Jo's work situation and the three men knelt to say goodbye.

"I'm sure you'll be smart and learn lots, your daddy always did." Logan gave the nervous looking girl a reassuring smile.

James couldn't help but chime in. "He was always good at meeting cute girls, too. I bet you'll be great with – " His statement was cut off by a sharp jab to the ribs by Logan.

Carlos looked the child in the eyes. "Rate the slide for me, okay?"

This broke the tension and they all laughed. "Sure Uncle Carlos."

As she turned and went into her classroom, she stopped to say one last thing. "Love you Uncle Logan! Love you Uncle Carlos! Love you Uncle James!"

All three men chorused in at the same time. "Love you Kendall!"

A tear slipped down Logan's cheek.

They had kept their promise.

**I may actually do a sequel to this story, showing the three guys trying to help Jo raise little Kendall. Review and let me know what you think. **

**I seriously can't believe it's over.**


	11. News Flash!

**Guess what? I just posted the prologue of the sequel! It's titled A Promise to a Fallen Hero. I hope you'll read it. ****  
**


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